Fixed At Zero

Things are going alright - I've lost two pounds since my last post.

Not a lot, but it's definitely a start.

I feel very in control and disciplined right now, and I hope I'll be able to keep this mindset...

Fasting at school is very hard for me because my roommate acts like a second mom,

but I'm planning on just telling her how I ate while she was in class,

even though I won't. 

Also, I won't have a scale at school which is making me very anxious.

My friend has a very cheap scale that is mostly inaccurate, and hard to read because it's not digital,

but I might have to start using it for reference points.

On another note, my best friend from home is rapidly losing weight,

and didn't eat any time I saw her over break?

She's never acted like this before, and as awful as it is, my first reaction is jealousy.

She's always been bigger than me, and now I can't help but feel like she's competing with me.

I've always been a competitive person, and this is just adding fuel to my fire.

The next time she sees me, I will have lost a substantial amount of weight too,

I can promise that.

Anyways, I don't really have much to report other than that.

I want to lose another five pounds before I post again,

and hopefully that will be before next Friday.

xxxx

Start New When Your Heart Is an Empty Room

          I've decided to start new. I used to have a blog on here, but I made it when I was 15 and a lot has changed since then. I'm now 19 years old, a freshman in college, and struggling with a lot more than just my self-image. However, Ana is gaining back her strength and I can't seem to find a reason to fight her off anymore. I want to let her take over again, to be back on auto-drive, but first I have to prove myself to her again. I haven't been good for a long time, and she doesn't like weakness. But I'll show her.

          I also want to start new in other areas of my life. My ex-boyfriend has been messing with my head, and I want to prove to myself that I am stronger than a stupid boy who thinks the fingerprints he left on me somehow scarred me and made me his to come back to whenever he pleases. I used to think I was the powerful one in the relationship - I was the one leaving and choosing to go back - but now I realize that it was always him who held the power. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to live in the past any longer. I want to be strong. I'm going to spend my time focusing on things that will make me the person I want to be. 

       I used to want to be Ethereal, Light, Dainty, but now I see how wrong I was. I want to be 

Strong, Untouchable, Unbreakable. I want hipbones and cheekbones sharp as knives. My rib cage a visible shield to intruders who dare think that there's any medicine in their throats or hands that could possibly "save me." 

I'm the hero of this story, and it's time for me to show it.